Utopian Dream
by EternalConfusion
Summary: JATE AU. In five minutes, she says to herself. Then she’ll let them know she’s there, standing on the damn porch. Ten minutes and she’ll be inside, instead of here, standing on his damn porch. Fifteen minutes, she thinks, and she’ll be in his arms, again.


**A/N: **_I've been working on this for a couple of months. I really enjoyed it, so I do hope you all like it. I've got exams coming up, but as of June 5__th__ I'm free for a bout a week before returning to college, so I hope to get some writing done then for my other fics. It's the time of year that I get inspired, kinda sucks because of exams, but ho hum._

**Disclaimer: **_I wish I might, I wish I may, wish upon the first star I see tonight closes eyes and squeezes them shut uber tight, crack an eye open and sighs Alas, Lost is not mine, as if it was that kitchen 'oh, you want to borrow this spoon I just licked, sure' scene would have ended very differently. I mean, seriously? That grin, and the spoonage? Kinky Kate…I really can't wait till Jate get their act together, and the spiders are set on Sawyer or Juliet…or maybe they'll just get caught in a net…yeah…huffs Now we've established that I don't own Lost, I do own the idea of this fic (Inspired by the song 'On Your Porch' by The Format- I think), and of course little Mai…hehe, bless._

_Oh, don't forget the wet wipes/discloth to clean up after you've metled and turned into a pile of sugariness.

* * *

_

She can't believe it's been so long. She can't believe how close she is to everything she's missed these past three years. Now she stands on his big wrap around porch, watching through the kitchen window, close to the back door. She fights an inner battle, should she do anything, should she run? It's been so long, and she hasn't seen him in three years, and her heart aches because she missed him. She chews on her lower lip as the internal debate continues. She looks out into the garden, noticing the sand box and swing set she smiles and her heart aches just a little more.

She sees them then. Him standing at the edge of the kitchen, the small girl balanced on his hip. They're different to how she remembers. She thinks he seems a little older now, happier though. She can see him smiling at the little girl as he watches her, with love. She knows it's all genuine. And she wishes like crazy that she wasn't simply standing on his porch. His damn porch. She knows she can't leave now. She just can't move yet.

It's not just him that changed, no; the little girl is different now too. She's taller, much, much taller, and more lifelike now. Kate only remembers holding the small baby in her arms. Oddly enough, she had such fine, fair hair then. It's darkened now; the little girl laughs at her daddy and her light brown curls jiggle up and down as her whole body shakes… Oh God, she wants to be inside. Kate wishes she could be inside with them, where she belongs.

Kate's amazed that she hasn't been noticed yet, and she breathes a sigh of relief as Jack turns his back to her, only to practically stop breathing again. She's so beautiful, that small girl. She no longer looks like any other baby, she looks like a real person, a little girl now, and Kate hates that she's already missed so much.

If she could just…In five minutes, she says to herself. Then she'll let them know she's there, standing on the damn porch. Ten minutes and she'll be inside, instead of here, standing on his damn porch. Fifteen minutes, she thinks, and she'll be in his arms, again, finally. Twenty minutes, she smiles, and her little girl will be where she belongs – in her Mommy's arms. Yes…Twenty five minutes, and they'll be happy and laughing and…oh god, in thirty minutes Kate will be well on her way to living that Utopian Dream that's kept her going for so damn long now. She can't wait. Just five minutes…five more minutes.

Except…she doesn't get to wait out the whole five minutes. It's more like two and a half. Two and a half minutes, and Kate freezes. She freezes because he has walked over towards the door, barely three metres away from her. And then he bent down, and placed the girl on the floor, for when he straightened up, she was no longer clinging to him like a little chimp. Kate's too afraid to breathe now, and wishes she could do something, anything…just, damnit she had two more minutes of building up courage left!

And then the door creaks open. And that's the moment that her world changed. And his…and even that small, little girl's. She runs out, a blur of colour and life and energy, and Kate feels like it's all finally within her reach. And then he slowly steps out, one denim clad leg followed shortly by the other.

"Careful!" He calls as Kate's eyes scan up his body. If she didn't know better she'd have thought that he'd dressed for her…but that was ridiculous. He didn't know she was coming, how could he have? After all she didn't know herself until she was stood at the bottom of his drive, gazing up in awe. But that shirt…wow…it really did do wonders for him…

"Kate?" He says slowly. _'Shit'_ she inwardly curses. When did he become aware of her presence? When did he turn to see her, and why, oh dear god, why was he giving her that look? The look that asks a million questions, but says that he still loves her, and needs her, and he'd like to… "Kate?" He says again and she nods slowly. "Wow…why, what?"

"I'm sorry…I didn't…I" She falls over her words. She's unprepared. He didn't give her enough time. She's still got at least a minute, she reckons. He wasn't meant to know for another minute…

"What are you doing here?" He asks. Good, at least he can talk she figures.

"I had to." There, three words…that wasn't too bad, they did make sense, right?

"Why?" He asks, and she thinks for a moment that his look didn't mean what it used to…maybe he's changed too much…

Her eyes move out over the garden, finally coming to rest on the little girl sitting on the edge of the sandbox. She was stroking the small tortoiseshell cat, her hair dangling in front of her face, like the cat was the only thing in her world.

"When did you…"

"Yesterday." She manages to say before he finishes asking the question. "I took a bus. I walked around a bit…and…I ended up here."

"Right." He nods. She wonders what happened to the words she'd been waiting to hear for at least three year were.

"Yeah…"

"You could've…" He starts again.

"Didn't know what to say." She says simply, cutting him off again.

"But I would've…we could've…"

"I know. I'm sorry Jack." She says shaking her head, still not taking her eyes off the girl by the sandbox. "I'll just…" She turns to leave, picks up her back pack, only takes two steps and then he's grabbing her wrist, and turning her around.

"Don't…not when you've just got here. Please, stay." He says softly, and she knows it's still there, everything. All of it, she can feel it where his fingers wrap around her wrist, where his eyes bore into her skin. So she agrees, and allows him to take her back pack.

He disappears for a moment; he takes her bag inside, but only just. And she hadn't noticed. She hasn't noticed because she's been seen. The little girl with short, brown curls has looked up and noticed her. Kate finally moves from the porch and out into the garden.

"Hi." The little girl smiles up at her, having skipped partway up the garden.

"Hey." Kate smiles back, she's finding it so hard not to just pick the girl up and hold her as close as possible. Fifteen minutes left, she tells herself, that's when it should be happening. She takes in a deep breath and looks down at the little girl.

"Toby likes you!" She giggles as she sways slightly, her red dress swinging as it flares out.

"You think so?" Kate asks, looking down at the cat now brushing up against Kate's ankles.

"Uh huh." The little girl nods. "He thinks you're pretty." She tells Kate.

"He does?"

"Daddy says Toby likes the really pretty girls. Like me." She grins. "And you're very pretty. So he likes you too."

"Ah…I see." Kate smiles; thinking that this girl is just adorable.

"What's your name?" She asks her eyes still sparkling, but looking a bit more serious now.

"Kate."

"I'm Maia. Are you a Daddy's friend?"

"Yes I am. You have a beautiful name." Kate says and the girl smiles and nods.

"Mai!" Kate suddenly hears Jack's firm voice. Please, she thinks, don't take her away now.

Maia looks up at her father, her smile fading; she turns back to Kate, pausing to study her, before running up to her father. Kate watches Jack push her inside playfully telling her that Toby will come when he's ready and that Daddy needs to talk to his friend.

Jack walks towards Kate, noticing the almost fearful look in her eyes. He thinks she's scared that he'll keep them apart – he'd never.

"Kate," he starts slowly, "I'm not…you know I won't keep you apart…"

"You won't?" She speaks timidly, but relieved.

"Of course not." He shakes his head. "I just don't want to tell her who you are before I know what your plans are."

"I don't have any." She tells him solemnly. "I…I didn't know what I was going to do…I just, I still have the letter, and I saw the bus…I had to, I had to come Jack."

"Ok." He tells her. "Are you going to stay?"

"If I can. I really…I just had to come." She tells him again, her eyes filling with tears. She looks so different from the woman he remembers. He wonders if that's what being in prison did, or being separated from them did. Of course she's much thinner now; she'd long ago lost that baby weight, and then some, evidently. She looks almost as lost and afraid as she did the last time he saw her, three months after she'd given birth…except now she has a glimmer of hope. Then she'd told him to go away and not come back, said it hurt far too much, that she couldn't stand to see him because he was reminding her of everything she could never have. He'd written to her a few times, her replies stopped coming after his second letter, but he kept trying – less frequently albeit.

"It's alright." He smiles at her. "How are you?"

"I'm…" Kate closes her eyes, and chews on her lip for a moment. "I don't…it's all a bit…overwhelming." She says finally.

Jack nods, "I'm sorry," he says, hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels not sure what to do. "I…what do…what do you want?"

"What?" She asks her voice smaller than ever.

"I…argh…I dunno. I mean…what do you want to do? You can stay here…that means telling Maia, and soon…"

Kate nods. She looks up at him, her eyes watery, the colour of the ocean, and it's like she's reaching out, but so far out at sea she doesn't know how. She studies him, glad that he's nervous too; she wants him to stop fidgeting though; doesn't he know how hard this is? God she just wants…she wants to feel him again. That's what she wants. So, she steps forward, well; it's more of a shuffle, but she moves towards him.

"Can I…can I have a hug?" She asks him fearfully and his heart aches for her, and so does his body. He doesn't bother to answer, just pulls his hands out of his pockets, opens his arms, and pulls her to him. She pushes herself up against him, trying to get as close as she possibly can. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" She whispers into him.

"What for?" He asks softly, pulling back slightly.

"Telling you to go away and not come back. I…I didn't know what I was saying…I…"

"I shouldn't have listened to you." He tells her.

"I shouldn't have…I'm sorry. I was a mess; I hated it…I…" She tries to tell him.

"It's okay." He reassures her, "You're here now." He rubs her back soothingly, remembering how that always used to calm her. She nods against him as she falls into him again.

"I missed you." She finally tells him once she's calmed down enough to talk sanely. "Every day…"

"I missed you too." He holds her closer, and they stand there, holding on for dear life until the door creaks open. They seem to unfold and separate seamlessly, all before Maia appears at the door.

"Daaaaaadddddddddyyyyyyyy!" She whines.

"Yes Mai?" He walks away from Kate and towards their daughter.

"Our cakes is finished!" She tells him hurriedly.

"I'm coming."

"Faster!" She tells him, hands on her hips, and Kate stifles a laugh.

"One second Maia, I swear." He tells her, turning to Kate and flashing her a smile, before turning back. "I'm coming."

"Now, Daddy!" She says stubbornly and spins on her heel, looking like a right mini Kate.

"Come on," Jack turns to Kate, watching her shake her head at their daughter; she's amazed, he can tell. "Your daughter's not very patient and it won't be pretty if the cakes are burnt." He holds out his hand to her, and starts walking backwards.

"I can imagine." She says, walking quickly to catch him up, and as she does so slipping her hand into his.

* * *

"One, two, three…" Maia counts the little cup cakes in front of her. She lets out a childish sighs and looks up at her father. "I needs half a cake." She announces.

"Why?" Jack asks curiously.

"My age." She replies as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why don't you just have four?" Kate suggests. "They'll be easier to ice that way."

"But…" She starts, and with a stern look from her father changes her mind. "Ok." Maia takes an extra cake from the cooling tray and places it in front of her on the table. "How old you Kate?" She asks innocently.

"Maia!"

"What?" She looks up at her Daddy.

"That's not something you ask a lady." He tells her.

"Oh." Maia frowns. "Then I can't give Kate the right number."

"I don't think she'll mind, sweetheart." He tells her, laughing slightly. Maia looks up at Kate, doubtful.

"I don't mind." Kate smiles at the child.

"Promise?" She asks.

"Uh huh."

"Okay." Maia nods. "Toby likes you." Maia says slowly, and a moment later says "you have four too," like it was such a logical step to make.

"Thank you, Maia."

"Look!" Maia exclaims, attracting the attention of both adults. "Daddy gets four too!" She giggles.

"Well, look at that!" Jack says sitting down opposite Maia, beside Kate, placing the icing in the centre of the table.

* * *

"Done!" Maia exclaims, beaming up at Jack and Kate complete with icing smeared on her cheeks and a blob on her nose. "Can we eat them yet?" She all but squeals excitedly.

"How about we take some pictures," Jack says smiling at Kate, and then turning to Maia and giving her a forceful look, "and get you all cleaned up, then we can eat them with dinner."

Maia contemplates this for a while, then nods, "Okay, is Kate staying for dinner?" She asks, and turned to Kate before Jack could possibly answer. "You staying for tea?"

"Only if you want me to." Kate says simply, giving Maia the choice.

"Yay! Kate's staying for tea!" Maia bounces up and down in her chair.

"Careful," Jack warns as he reaches for the camera on the side before turning back to the table to see Maia's fingers hovering dangerously close to the freshly iced cakes in front of her. He snaps a quick photo before saying "Maia…" in that tone that she instantly recognises and her fingers are drawn back, quick as lightening.

"Not doin' nothin'." She tells him.

"Really?" He asks, not believing her for one minute, and she knows it.

"Uh huh. Was doing nothin', right Kate?" Maia smiles up at him cutely, her green eyes sparkling with mischief, much like a look he'd seen not so long ago in her mother's eyes.

"Right Mai." Kate winks at the 3 and a half year old who giggles back.

"See…"

Jack laughs at them and then proceeds to take several photos, including a few of Kate and Maia, with Maia whispering conspiringly into Kate's ear.

After taking the photos, Jack places the camera back on the side and plucks Maia up into the air and spins her around slightly.

"Someone needs a bath." He says humorously as he tickles her belly lightly.

"Noooooooooo…" she shakes her head as she laughs.

"No?" He taps her on the nose with his index finger, which becomes covered in sticky icing, "But, you're all sticky missy."

"Aaaaaannnnndddddd?" She says as if it doesn't bother her at all, which of course, it doesn't.

"And that means you need a bath." He tells her again.

"No." She shakes her head, squirming in his arms.

"Why not, then?" He asks, deciding a different tactic may work better.

"Wanna stay with Kate." She nods, and smiles at Kate. "Don't want a bath."

"Tough!" He tells her, "won't be long." He says turning to Kate.

"Wait!" Kate calls out from her chair, where she'd been watching the pair of them interact, wishing that she and Maia could act like that way; she wanted to be friends with her daughter; needed her to know that she loved her and wanted to be here. "How about…if it's alright with your daddy…" she starts, clearly addressing Maia now, "I could give you a bath?" Kate shrugs slightly, looking to Jack, wondering if this was the right step to take. Sure there was plenty advice on looking after babies for new parents, but nothing about reintroducing yourself to a child that doesn't know you; and Kate was pretty sure that Jack felt like he was in a similar position.

"Yeah!" Maia squeals excitedly, "I want Kate!" She tells her father, as if his baths are never any fun. Jack sighs and then nods at Kate, telling her that everything will be alright without uttering a word. He waits for her to catch up before leading the way to Maia's room where he picks out a clean pair of pyjamas and then moving back out of the room and into the bathroom across the hall.

"You have a lovely room, Maia." Kate comments, as she trails after Jack.

"Yeah." She nods, "Auntie Claire painteded it, I like purple, and butterflies, and unicorns and pink and fairies." Maia lists, explaining why all of those things can be found in her room. "Wanted froggys too, Daddy said no."

"Did he really?" Kate asks, showing real interest in her child's life, as she sits on the edge of bath. Jack had knelt down beside the bath, releasing Maia and has started running of the bath. "Why would he do something like that?"

"Says they don't match." Maia nods, as if that's a sufficient answer. "Wanted green too. I like green, my eyes are green Daddy says. He says I have Mommy's eyes, so hers are green too." Maia says shyly.

"Green's a very good colour, Maia." Kate tells her as Jack shakes his head and chuckles slightly.

"Next time we'll paint it green." He tells Maia, ruffling her hair slightly.

"Uhh…" Maia looks thoughtful, taking on a Winnie the Pooh stance, with her hand tapping against her head before giving him an answer. "No, like my room." She nods, happy with her answer. "Oooooooh, bubbles!" She squeals as Jack pours the mixture into the warm water. "Yay!"

After settling Maia in the bath and finding her flannel, he checks that she and Kate will be okay and then goes to start dinner, a bit anxious about leaving them alone. However, he is assured that there is no problem when Kate appears with Maia balanced on her hip babbling away, with a squeaky clean face looking very warm and dry in her pyjamas. Kate, on the other hand, had somehow become rather wet over the whole ordeal and after placing Maia back on the floor shivered a bit.

"If you want…I can find you're a jumper…" Jack starts, "food won't be ready for ten minutes yet."

"Uhmm…I might…" Kate thinks about looking through her bag but remembers there are very few clothes in her possession, none of which are probably very warm. "That'd be nice."

"Come on," He offers her his hand, and after checking that Maia was happily stroking and talking to Toby the cat he pulled her away up towards his bedroom. She follows him, slightly amazed the whole time, and when he finally turns to hand her a jumper from one of his drawers, he is surprised to see her looking at him with awe. "what?"

"You've got a nice house, Jack." She tells him smiling. "I haven't been in a house for years…"

"Yeah…it's alright. It suits the two of us fine, and there's space for visitors so…we like it." He smiles at her, watching as she turns from him, slowly peeling away her wet t-shirt, and then sliding on his jumper and turning back to him. "How did the bath go?" he asks as she snuggles into the jumper that envelopes her and smells of him.

"It went allright." Kate inhales and closes her eyes slowly, "she's amazing Jack. She's so cute, and she's chatty and clever…she's just…you did well…"

"I did what I could." He shrugs, "Claire and Charlie helped; it wasn't easy to begin with, especially when she was so little…but…" He smiles at her, "We got by."

"I missed so much." She sighs.

"I know." He nods and rubs her arms reassuringly. "You'll catch up though, and we've got tonnes of photos – I knew we'd see you one day and I, I thought you'd want to see everything you missed…"

"Thank you." She says, stepping into him, hugging him briefly and smiling against his shoulder.

"We best get back downstairs." He says as she releases him. "Got to make sure she's not tormenting the cat too much…" He grins slightly.

"She doesn't?" Kate asks, her eyebrow cocked, and a half smile on her face.

"Occasionally, she gets bored and pushes her limits…but she loves Toby." He smiles at her. "Too much sometimes, he likes his space every now and then, so she's had a few scratches; nothing serious though."

* * *

"Kate-Kate!" Maia bounces up and down in front of the Kate the second she and Jack re-enter the kitchen. "Can you do piggytails?" She asks holding out a small yellow brush with a picture of a sponge on it.

"I guess." Kate says slowly. "You want me to try?"

"Uh-huh." Maia says kneeling up on a chair. "Daddy's not very good, an' I not 'loud to call Aunty Claire at bedtime."

"Ah-right…well, no promises, but we'll see. Ok?"

"Yay!" Maia grins. "I want the bows with Eeyore on!" She informs her father and Kate, and naturally, Jack has them already in his hands, holding them out to Kate.

As Kate plaits the little girl's hair, she tells her "If you sleep with these in, you're hair gets super curly – you know that, right?"

"It's already kinda curly." Maia states.

"It's beautiful hair; I'm just warning you."

"Hmm-kay." Maia says after musing over for a while. "My hair's a bit like yours."

"Uh-huh." Kate says quietly, as she finishes fastening the last of the plaits.

"Like Momma's too." Maia tells her as she turns back, smiling, "Daddy says I gots her hair."

"I'm sure you do." Kate says quietly, wishing she'd told the little girl who she was hours ago, wondering why they still hadn't.

"What do you say, Mai?" Jack prompts the girl, before anymore awkward conversation can continue.

"Thank you, Kate!"

* * *

After they finish dinner, Jack excuses himself and Maia, to put the 'munchkin to bed', who is now rather tired. He leaves with promises to talk afterwards, when he returns.

As Jack carries the little girl up the stairs, Kate hears her protesting, "But I no ti…" yawn, "red…". Kate hears Jack laugh in response, as he continues up the stairs.

Upstairs, Jack peels back Maia's lilac covers, sits down with his daughter to read her a quick story. Half way through the story Jack assumes that Maia has fallen asleep. However, as he stands to leave, she opens her eyes and calls out to him.

"What's up, munchkin?" He asks, kneeling by the side of the bed so that he's level with her.

"Will Kate still be here when I wake up?" She asks, one hand clinging to a soft toy, squeezing it tightly, the other rubbing her eyes.

"Yes Maia, I think she will be." Jack smiles at her.

"That's good. I like Kate." She tells him and stares at her father for a while, wanting to say something but not at the same time. "Daddy…" she starts.

"Yes, Mai?"

"Do you want her to stay too?" She asks biting her lip.

"'Course I do." He nods, sweeping back her hair.

"Is…is it cause she looks like me…and the woman in the picture?" Maia asks pointing to the picture on her bedside table showing Kate holding a very tiny Maia. "'Cause she looks like Mommy?" Maia adds, explaining further, "Cause that's Mommy and me, right?."

Jack was unsure of how to answer, and slightly hesitant, he hadn't really discussed this with Kate yet. "You're right Maia, that is you and Mommy."

"Is Kate gonna be my mommy?" Maia's eyes lit up at the though, and she grinned slightly.

"Uhm…" Jack starts feeling even more lost, damn it. Why hadn't they explained all this earlier. "Why don't you ask Kate?"

"Cool!" Maia exclaims immediately jumping up in her bed, half bouncing and half running to the end of it where she jumps off and sprints towards the stairs and Kate.

"Oh crap." Jack mutters as he exhales.

* * *

"Kate, Kate, Kate!" Maia exclaimes as she bounces into the lounge, much like Tigger, or Roo.

"Aren't you meant to be asleep?" Kate says turning round from looking at the pictures of Maia and Jack on the mantle, and narrows her eyes slightly.

"Yeah…buts…I have a question to ask you! Daddy said I should!" Maia smiles at Kate from the other side of the room.

"Maia…" They hear Jack warn from the bottom of the stairs.

"Quick, quick…" Maia grinns pulling Kate down to her level. "Kaaate…are you going to be my mommy?" Maia asks in a rush.

"Your what, your mommy?" Kate asks quietly, after counting to five.

"Yeah, you gonna be my mommy?" Maia asks again, slower and quieter this time.

Kate inhales slowly, trying to stop herself from shaking and counts to five again. "Would you like that Maia?"

"Yeah." The child beames, her eyes full of life and light, as she nods enthusiastically, and Kate can't help but chuckle at her.

"Well then…I guess I could be your mommy." Kate says after scratching her head as if making a really hard decision.

"Yay!" Maia exclaims as throwing herself at Kate, who stands with Maia in her arms.

Kate holds her daughter close to her, really close, the closest she can hold her, just in case this wouldn't last forever. Holding her daughter so close, close enough to smell the cleanliness left from the soap and the bath, makes her eyes water slightly. Kate presses a kiss into Maia's curls and Maia holds onto Kate even tighter.

Jack walked into the room just as Kate agreed to be Maia's mommy and Maia flung herself at Kate. He smiled at the sight, thinking that the looked beautiful together. When Kate notices his presence, she looks up and all he can see are her tearful eyes. "Sorry," he mouths. Kate rose her head higher, revealing an adorable grin, and shook her head at him. She doesn't need his apology, doesn't care, she knows that in just a few hours she and their amazing daughter have made a connection, a bond, that if it was ever threatened she knew she would move Heaven and Earth trying to fight to keep it.

"I love you Mommy." Maia whispers into Kate's ear, as she lies her head on her mother's shoulder and closes her eyes, finally submitting to the sleep that beckoned her. Kate's grin widens a bit more, and her heart feels even fuller of love for the adorable child in her arms.

* * *

**A/N:** _So when, you've stopped licking your sticky, sugary fingers as if you've been eating candy floss/ cotton candy, or like Kate and the awesome oatmeal spoon…would you mind dropping a review – 'yum' will do… Wow, I bet you have no idea how hard it is to write in the present tense - I wrote the last part in the past, so had to change it all. It's hard. Seriously._


End file.
